The Mostly Hair Related Antics of Lucius Malfoy
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: By now you should recognise this story as the millionth series in that infamous saga, The Pureblood Antics of Lucius Malfoy. This time, as I noticed a trend, I've renamed it to include the hairobsession. HBP spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

(AN: Welcome back, dear bitches, for another round of meat-beating good times. I mean, another series of those Malfoy-y Antics we all know and love. You are all cordially invited to the literary ride of your lives. This time it shall be faster, funnier, and more evil than ever, so you are advised to leave now if you are of a sensitive disposition or a Kaiser Chiefs fan. The dress code is "insanely formal", the password is "The Duchess of Inkling owns my body and my soul". Be sure to have the password memorised, as well as tattooed on your nubile young body. Remember that you are to bring your own drinks, and to leave them with the hostess upon entry. Warmest regards, The Duchess of Inkling)

**Chapter One: Rapunzelucius**

Severus Snape was standing in front of Malfoy Manor feeling cross. He was feeling cross because he had been ringing the doorbell for twenty minutes now, and there had been no answer. At all. Not as much as a house elf's squeal. "Hhm." Snape said, crossly. He was just thinking of leaving the whole thing and going home, when suddenly a curtain of blonde hair closed between him and the door. "What the…" he murmured, looking up. Peering out from a third floor window, was the head of Lucius Malfoy, and trailing down from it, was the largest quantity of hair Snape had ever seen in his life, including that time he made Longbottom try out the first year's hair serums on himself in detention.

"Ah, Severus," Lucius said loudly above him. "Why don't you come up?"

"I can't," Snape said, "the door won't open."

"Honestly," Lucius said, shaking his head ruefully, the twelve foot long hair shimmering before Snape's eyes, "must you have everything spelt out for you? Climb up my hair." Snape muttered something rude under his breath, and folded his arms over his chest.

"You must be insane." Snape said. "I am not climbing up your hair."

"It's okay," Lucius said. "I used Solomon Scruff's Strengthening Shampoo on it this morning."

"I am NOT climbing up your hair, Lucius," Snape said, turning around.

"Are you sure?" Lucius called at him, "I've got chocolate frogs…?"

"Chocolate frogs…" Snape whispered. Then he turned around, and climbed up Lucius' hair quicker than the world champion hair-climber when he set the world hair-climbing record for quickest hair-climbing at the hair-climbing Olympics of 1978 in Hair-Climbing, Lincolnshire.


	2. Chapter 2: Even the Luciuses

(AN: This week, it's a message from the roomy! Isn't that exciting, boys and girls? Okay, here it is: "Lucius loves snapey yum. End." )

**Chapter Two: Even The Luciuses Are Beautiful**

"Severus, you'll never believe what happened…" Lucius Malfoy said as he sped towards Severus Snape in the middle of Knockturn Alley. "Hold on…" he said, as Snape turned to glare at him. Lucius frowned, and stared at Snape in confusion. "There's something different about you… Severus, are you smiling?"

"No, you dimwit…" Snape began to say, but he was interrupted by a random witch who tapped him on the shoulder. "What?" Snape said, irritated.

"Excuse me, but…" the witch said nervously, "are you Liza Minelli?"

"You are babbling." Snape declared, and turned back to Lucius.

"I know!" Lucius said. "Something happened to your hair." He peered at Snape closely. "But what?"

"It is just..." Yet again, Snape did not get the chance to end his sentence.

"Sorry to bother you…" a young wizard said. "but are you Liza Minelli?"

"No." Snape snapped, and stormed off, Lucius running after him. "Honestly," Snape said as they entered the Hog's Head a couple of minutes later, "That's the last time I get a bob."


	3. Chapter 3: Green Eyed Monster

(A/N: I can't believe I forgot to post the author's note with this one. I must be getting forgetful in my old age. Anyway, everyone must read a story about my new OTP, Snape and Adam Ant, over at my livejournal. The username, indeed, is pipm. How poetic. Most of you will probably not know who Adam Ant is, in which case I say to you: find out now. For you have not truly lived if you have not tasted of the nectar-like bounty that is Adam Ant. The story is funny even if you don't know him, in any case, so hurry over. Now!)

**Chapter Three: Green Eyed Monster (And It's Not Harry Potter)**

It was a dreary evening in December, and to Snape's ennui Lucius Malfoy's face appeared in his fireplace looking angry.

"What is it now, Lucius?" Snape said wearily.

"What is it now, what is it now!" Lucius spat. "That's rich, coming from you."

"What do you mean, coming from me?"

"Well, you're the one who forgot all about our dinner yesterday night!"

"I'm truly sorry," Snape said, rubbing his eyes. "It's just been so busy here."

"Busy?" Lucius repeated angrily. "Busy? Busy with _Igor_, I presume?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact." Snape said, defensively. "He's been after me like a werewolf after a child, lately."

"Well, I hope you're not _too busy with Igor_ to come to the Christmas party next week." Lucius said, flicking his hair out of his eyes bitchily.

"You know very well that I have to attend the Yule Ball. I am sure you remember that tradition." Snape said, raising an eyebrow in expectation.

"Oh, the _Yule Ball_?" Lucius said, nodding cynically. "I don't think I need to ask you who you're going with." Snape rolled his eyes.

"Lucius, you know I…" he started, but Lucius ignored his protests.

"Well, I hope you and _Igor_ have a good time together. I'm sure you don't need _me_ to have a good time." He sounded rather distraught at this point. "I'm going to go now, so you can invite _Igor _over. Now you've got _Igor_, I bet you can think of better things to do than waste time talking to little old me over the Floo network! No" he continued, dabbing his eyes dramatically, as Snape sighed heavily. "No, don't pretend, Severus. Go see your fancy man, go degrade yourself before that… that… Oh!" With a swirl of green light, Lucius disappeared. Snape poured a glass of Firewhiskey and leant back in his chair.

"What a queen." He muttered to himself, taking a sip.


	4. Chapter 4: The Potions Master Formerly

(A/N: My dears, sorry to have left you dangling- if I may use the expression- for so long, but my BA thesis ate my brane, kthnxbai. However, it had to be done, and now leaves me free to move on to higher and more entertaining things. Re: this chapter. The joke is old, I know, but the setting was so new and so tempting, I could not let it pass. The lyrics quoted belong to Prince, as I believe he is now called, and the first bit is quoted from HBP, which belongs to JKR and Warner Brothers and Bloomsbury Books. I may have gotten that wrong, but that will teach them to make ownership less baffling a concept.)

**Chapter Four: The Potions Master Formerly Known As Prince**

Mustering all his powers of concentration, Harry thought, Levi-

"No, Potter!" screamed Snape. There was a loud BANG and Harry was soaring backwards, hitting the ground hard again, and this time his wand flew out of his hand. He could hear Hagrid yelling and Fang howling as Snape closed in and looked down on him where he lay, wandless and defenceless as Dumbledore had been. Snape's pale face, illuminated by the flaming cabin, was suffused with hatred just as it had been before he had cursed Dumbledore. His mouth twitched a few times, and his feet shuffled as though he was struggling against himself, before he, to Harry's utter surprise, suddenly burst into song:

"How can u just leave me standing?  
Alone in a world that's so cold?  
Maybe I'm just 2 demanding  
Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold  
Maybe you're just like my mother  
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)  
Why do we scream at each other  
This is what it sounds like  
When doves cry…"

He twirled as he finished the last line, robes billowing melodramatically against the flame-drenched sky. Harry looked on, a thought dawning on him.

"Aha," he said, pushing himself up onto his elbows, "so YOU are the Half-blood Prince!"


	5. Chapter 5: Chchchchanges

(A/N: Finally, the REAL reason Snape's hair is so greasy. I'm sure he rigged the Pensieve memory to erase all signs of horrible –read: fantastic- glamrock fashion. Canon ain't got nothing on me, yo. Everyone knows he was a rabid New York Dolls fan and at one point tried a perm to try and look like Marc Bolan and/or Lou Reed. Everyone, I say!)

**Chapter Five: Ch-ch-changes**

It was a gossipy Tuesday in the teacher's lounge. In a corner on the far right, Professors Sprout and McGonagall sat sipping tea and observing the other teachers with critical eyes. "Ah, there's Severus." Sprout murmured as Snape stalked his way into the opposite corner. "It's a shame, he used to be such an… intriguing young man." McGonagall stared at Sprout.

"Intriguing?" she said. "He was a dangerous young hoodlum. I can see him now, hanging around the corridors, chewing gum and being rude, wearing platforms. No matter how many times I sent him out for having glitter on his face he'd still be there the next day, pretending he didn't know." She shook her head disapprovingly.

"At least he still washed his hair then." Sprout said. "I wonder what happened?"

"Well, I don't know, but I heard him tell Draco Malfoy once that he stopped washing it, in protest, when David Bowie turned heterosexual." McGonagall said.

"I don't even know what that means." Sprout said. "But it sounds dramatic."

"It looks dramatic, too." McGonagall said, and nearly smirked.


	6. Chapter 6: Servicing The Community

(A/N: I am off to invade Germany, which should take approximately two weeks. Naturally, I will not have time to update during this time, but I promise to bring you back something nice. Also, I have changed the title of this series to better suit the weirdly uniform subject. I hope this meets with approval and/or giggles.)

**Chapter Sex: Servicing The Community **

"Move!" Snape whispered as he and a bunch of other Death Eaters lay hidden in the bushes, waiting for the right moment to attack. "To the other side of the house, now!"  
Immediately everyone scrambled forward, hindered somewhat by their long black robes, until they were suddenly swept aside by a massive tidal wave of hair.

"What the hell is that?" someone yelled, trying to wrestle free from the strands.

"Oh, honestly." Snape said, tearing himself free. "Vyvyan!" he shouted to a figure at the end of the hair-river.

"Yes?" Lucius said, for Vyvyan was one of his middle names, which was used when they were operating in secret.

"Fanservice is one thing, but would you please cut your hair?"


	7. Chapter 7: Lust Objects

(A/N: As you might have guessed, Germany has been conquered. We will resume regular programming shortly. I hope you have missed me, my dears. You may also congratulate me on my birthday, which was last week, and send me your underwear, worn stockings, and love letters in the mail. Love, the Duchess of Inkling and Germany.)

**Chapter Seven: Lust Objects **

"I can't believe we finally know where the Malfoy's hidden Dark Objects stash is," Arthur Weasley said excitedly as the gang of Ministry officials made their way down the first floor corridor of Malfoy Manor. At the far end of it, Lucius and Narcissa stood looking after them with expression-less faces, although anyone closely acquainted with Lucius might have noticed the odd glitter in his eyes, and known it boded ill.

The Ministry of Magic officials, however, were not closely acquainted with Lucius, and therefore stormed through his house with unabated enthusiasm. After approximately six doors, they entered a room, and, ignoring the lavish but tasteful décor, trampled directly to the wall opposite, and took out a piece of parchment. Kingsley Shacklebolt and a small dark-haired wizard started reading out a spell from it and making complex movements with their wands, while the rest of the group looked on silently. When they were done, a small panel door appeared on the wall, and a simple _Alohamora_ made it swing open, to reveal a secret cupboard, filled with…

"What the hell are those?" the dark-haired wizard said.

"They look like…" Kingsley Shacklebolt started hesitantly.

"Just glasses." Arthur Weasley said.

"Not _just_ glasses." Kingsley Shacklebolt said, levitating one from the shelf. "They're shaped like… something." The group gathered round the glass, peering at it closely.

"This might sound insane," Arthur Weasley said, "but I think they look a bit like Severus Snape." The rest of them raised their eyebrows as he said this, but continued to look at the glass.

"You know," Kingsley Shacklebolt said pensively, "I think you're right. But…"

"They're naked." the dark-haired wizard said.

"Naked Snape-shaped glasses?" a blonde witch said, not looking averse to the idea.

"Yes." the rest of them said, looking confused and disgusted.

"I wonder what they use those for?" Arthur Weasley said.

There was a moment's silence, before they all looked at each other, and uttered a communal: "Eeeeew!"


	8. Chapter 8: Prince Of The Land Of Wank!

(A/N: Imagine my surprise when the New Look!Death Eaters appears before my astonished eyes and I for a moment confused our dearest dim blond for another, less dim one. The very conjecture I had already used once in my stories! Truly, Oscar was right once again and life is proven to imitate art. However, since it was high time I planted another one of these things upon you, dear readers, I thought it wouldn't hurt to flog the decaying horse once more. Output has been slow, lately, since the artist has both emigrated, and her computer has met a sad demise. It's gone to meet its maker. It is pushing up the daisies. It is an ex-computer. And all that. Love, your dearest Duches. Oh! And to maintain some appearance of authenticity, the first bit is quoted from _Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix_, by JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, London, 2002, etc etc).

**Chapter Eight: Prince Of The Land Of Wank!**

"So he's got you doing his dirty work for him, has he? said Harry. "Like he tried to get Sturgis to steal it- and Bode?

"Very good, Potter, very good." said Malfoy slowly. "ACCIO PROPHECY!" he suddenly bellowed, and Harry felt the glass sphere slip from his unguarded grasp. He heard the others gasp with shock behind him as Lucius Malfoy caught the sphere and held it in a black gloved hand. To Harry's surprise, Lucius started rolling the glass ball from hand to hand, in a hypnotising manner. "Just a glass spere," he said, "but if you turn it this way, and that, it will show you your dreams." Harry just stared at him.

"Eh…" he muttered. "OK."

"Lucius," Bellatrix said sternly from behind him. "Snape told me to tell you you're not Jareth the Goblin King, and that you know very well that the Goblin King is David Bowie, not you." Lucius turned and fixed her with a stern eye.

"No, it only works when Snape says it." He cleared his throat dramatically, struck a pose and continued: "Now, Potter. You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth…"

Everyone groaned in exasperation.


	9. Chapter 9: Silent Night, Murderous Night

(A/N: The Death Eaters have no style. By the way, the 'new masks' thing refers to the new Death Eater look for the next film. Much better than the old one. Anyway, Merry Christmas, or possibly Merry T-Rexmas as it might be, to you, dear minions!)

**Chapter Nine: Silent Night, Murderous Night**

It was Christmas Eve, and the Death Eaters were gathering for their annual Christmas spree. Since this was also the first time they got to use their new masks, everyone was curious as to everyone else's personal modifications to it. Snape confirmed expectations when he appeared in a completely plain one. The Lestranges had theirs covered in diagrams of several of the worst curses. As everyone hung around gossiping about the various choices of decoration, Snape skulked at the edge of the group, wondering where Lucius had got to. Usually he was very punctual, and his tardiness was worrying. Scenarios of Ministry raids and Dementors were already in his mind when Lucius suddenly apparated.

"Sorry I'm late," he said. "but I was busy decorating my new mask." Instead of a white mask with patterns engraved on it, he was wearing one that was not only covered in glitter, it also spelt out "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" in blinking lights.

"Oh no." Bellatrix said. "I am not going to be seen with _that_." The rest of the Death Eaters nodded vehemently, and everyone suddenly disapparated. Only Lucius was left, a lonely patch of blinking lights on the dark field. He stared around him forlornly.

"Merry Christmas..." he said to himself. Only the echo answered him.


	10. Chapter 10: All Your Death

(A/N: I realise that this chapter is absurd to the point of becoming a troll, but I promised someone I´d write it. Happy new year! Go blow an eye out with some fireworks!)

**Chapter 10: All Your Death Are Belong To Lemon**

It was a bright spring day, and Severus Snape was hanging around on the Hogwarts grounds, innocently spying on Harry Potter, when suddenly Lucius Malfoy came running up to him.

"Lucius," Snape said, "What are you doing here?"

"Watch this!" Lucius said, and, running down to where Harry and his friends were standing, threw something at them. With some concern for Lucius' sanity, Snape noticed it was a lemon. However, as soon as the lemon hit a confused-looking Harry on the chest, it suddenly multiplied into a whole crowd of lemons. They washed over poor Harry in an orgy of lemony aggression, and when they retreated some time later, there was nothing left except one half of his specs. Lucius turned to Snape with a smug look on his face, as Hermione and Ron were panicking over Harry´s odd fate. "See?" Lucius said.

"What was that????" Snape said, pleased but shocked.

"Death by lemons!" Lucius said.


End file.
